Ode to Tacoma

When we first met, I was really hesitant to commit. You were new. You were scary. I wasn't over my last relationship; Bellingham was still flirting with me and I thought I might want to get back together. But I jumped in with you, inwardly kicking and screaming, and I know we had a rocky start. You were ready to build a life, and I just couldn't go there. Not yet. I always had my eyes elsewhere, wondering what it would be like to venture back to what was comfortable. I wanted to dump you. I wanted to dump you HARD. Drive away and never look back and yell, "It's NOT me, it's YOU!" on my way out. 

But you waited. So patiently. So patiently and gently and lovingly. And once I realized my fears were all in my head, and I could let go of my hesitations and go all-in, we entered into one of the greatest love affairs this life has ever seen. Tacoma, you loved me so well. You loved me when I didn't love you. You gave me some of the best people and best relationships I've ever been blessed to have. You provided sunshine on the cloudiest days (and in the literal sense, plenty of clouds on even the sunniest days...) 

I am a different me today than I was when our union began, and I like this me a lot better. You changed me. You made me grow. You helped me blossom. You gave me a soft place to land when life's first real adult struggles threatened to knock me down. And there will never be enough words to do you justice. I don't even know how to try. 

As I sit here on this rainy Tuesday, salty tear streaks not quite dry from the last of my impossible goodbyes with your beautiful inhabitants, my friends, my family, all I can think is THANK YOU. Thank you for your love. Thank you for being so good to me. Thank you for being my home. This isn't goodbye forever. I'll be back often. Consider this the start of our long-distance relationship. 

I'll always love you. And as I drive away now, please know:

... it's not you. It's me. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mw-PIxB52Kg

With love and gratitude,

Andie.

Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the Fall.

Hey, did you know I have a blog? Oh you didn't remember? Yeah, me neither. I'm so good at this (... yikes). BUT! Here I am. I haven't given up completely. So thanks for coming back with me. Speaking of coming back: I have a lot of blog-able thoughts swimming in my head today related to and inspired by this topic. Coming back. Returning. A new path leading me home.

I've called Western Washington (more specifically, Bellingham and Tacoma) "home" for a little over 8 years. WHAT?! Eight. Eight years. Considering those years started when I was only 18 years old, this fact feels pretty dang significant. It's my entire adult life. The only place I've built a professional career. The only place I've had to find my own mechanics... doctors... nail technicians (some necessities are more important than others... I'm not saying which is which). The only territory I've had to navigate all on my own, in my very own car, without mommy and daddy to guide my every step. Doing life as a grown-up. Western Washington has done me a lot of favors. And given me priceless gifts, and taught me invaluable lessons. This region's TLC for me seems to know no bounds.
But, just as Summer's long, sunny days fade into crisp and blustery Fall, so the seasons of my life have, and will, and are about to change.
I am blessed beyond measure to have made a home on both sides of this breathtakingly beautiful state. And while the West has been real good to me, the East is calling me back. I miss my family! I miss snow! I miss the beautiful streets, parks, sights, and sounds of my childhood! I want to sing with my mom and sister and stargaze with my dad. I want to take walks down the road where I learned to ride my bike. I want to snuggle up with a warm beverage and the same blanket that's been on the back of my parents' couch for as long as I can remember. And I want to build a life and find mechanics and learn what it means to be an adult in a place I've only known as a child. I am delighted, devastated, thrilled, and terrified. And one million other emotions. But the feeling that rises above the rest, that eases my anxious mind in moments of fear and doubt, is an absolute, 100% certainty that I'm just where I should be. I'm taking a leap of faith with very little clarity as to how the next few years will look. And normally that just does NOT fly with me. But it feels different this time. This is a leap worth taking. And for me, it's rare for confidence to defeat caution. So I'm trusting myself and just DOING THE DAMN THING. If there's one thing that continues to slap me in the face in adulthood, it's the fact that I won't, and can't, and shouldn't always know what's coming next. But there is one thing I know for sure:
... look out Spokane.Ready or not, here I come.

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”

– Terry Pratchett
Thanks in advance for your love and support.I'll try to keep you posted along the way.
Today's (and this week's, and this month's, and maybe every day forever) jam: "Hello" by Adele
Happy Fall, y'all.
Love,Andie

Seasons they are a-changin'

     It's an absolutely stunning October Sunday, early afternoon.  Only the wispiest wispy clouds paint the perfectly blue sky overhead, and this is Fall at its finest.  Here I sit in Starbucks, at a table adjacent to two high school seniors, overhearing them stress about the SATs.  And while I try not to laugh at "Seriously, I can't believe I'm here studying instead of getting my hair cut.  If I don't get above a 2000 I'm gonna be pissed," I feel for them.  I recognize the nervous hair twirls, overreactions to a difficult math problem, cute school supplies in an attempt to make studying a little bit fun - I've been there.  Many of us have.  They're buried in practice tests, textbooks, and the weight of impending doom college applications on the horizon.  I have a pit in my stomach for them.  For them and for me.  Because I have my own stomach-pit-worthy stressors to be stressin' about.  They came to Starbucks to do homework, think about colleges, and study for the SATs; I came to Starbucks to set my monthly budget, plan meals, and check work emails in preparation for a Federal audit.  There are at least three heads spinnin' up in here.  And more than once I have almost butted in to their study session to say, "Oh ladies, don't stress about the SATs.  I know it seems like a big deal right now.  And it's not a small deal.  But it will only impact your life for a little while and then life goes on.  You will look back on this stress and laugh."  I'm that person to them.  So I haven't said it...  Yet.  No promises that I'll be able to stifle it the whole time I'm sitting here though.  I just want them to go take a walk!  Laugh!  Sing!  Dance!  

     But we've all been there.  In the moment, it's a big frickin deal.  And our lives are designed that way.  Things are a BFD while they're happening, because they just are.  They demand our attention, and our mental capacities in those moments raise a white flag in surrender.  Ok, you got me.  You have my attention.  WHHHATTTTT?!?!  What do I have to do to get you to leave me alone?  So we study.  We plan.  We stress.  Because after all, it still needs to get done.

[By the way, another young lady just came to join the two studying gals.  She's wearing True Religion jeans, and just pulled her iPhone 6 and her Coach wallet out of her Coach purse and took them up to the register to order her coffee.  So you can add bitterness and envy to the list of feelings I'm feeling as I set my Nonprofit Program Coordinator budget for the month... just bein' honest...]

One thing counseling taught me (one thing out of approximately 5.8 billion things... can you tell I'm an advocate for counseling??) is that I experience anxiety in a somewhat predictable, cyclical pattern.  There are really cool things about this, and there are really not cool things about this.  Cool that I can usually talk myself down in times of stress and distress by remembering "this is normal... I was expecting this... what helped me before?  I'll just do that again..." NOT cool that it just keeeeeeeeeps coming back!  But at least I know.  I am wired for it, it's who I am, it's part of me.  So I gotta learn to deal.  And for the most part, I have.  But if there's one thing we all know about those good-for-nothin' Mood Monsters, it's that sometimes they can't be tamed. 

I was always paaiiinfully stressed about school as a student.  I don't know if "stressed" is even the right word.  I think I'll call it "obsessive and terrified determination."  Yikes.  Anyway, the start of a new school year brought with it the start of ulcer-making season (though by the grace of God, I've never had one.  It's a miracle).  So guess what?  Every Fall brings with it a strange yin-and-yang situation for me.  I love Fall.  I looooooove it.  I am a pumpkin enthusiast, scarves are my favorite accessory, and beautiful knit sweaters make my heart skip a beat.  Don't even get me started on puffy vests.  But!  Even though I have been out of school for three years (what?!), Fall still gives me the homework heebie-jeebies, somewhere deep deep down in the dungeons of my subconscious (I think heebie-jeebies are kept in a nasty jar in Professor Snape's office, don't you?).  So stress always kinda spikes this time of year.  And now that I know that about myself, I can usually catch it and put it in its place before things get too out of control.  That's the good news.  But it took a lot of years and a lot of help and a lot of self-reflection to get to that place, as with any breakthrough in stress management. 

But what I'm trying to say with all these discombobulated paragraphs is this:  I often think to myself, Once I get through ______, everything will be fine again.  Once I have a higher-paying job, I finally won't be stressed about money any more.  Once I get back into shape, I'll finally stop worrying about how I look in these jeans.  Once I have a nicer car/wardrobe/body/hairstyle, I'll finally stop comparing myself to others.  But here's the thing:  Those sentences used to look more like these: Once I take the SATs, I'll finally get into college.  Once I graduate from college, I'll finally be done with homework.  Once I get through the stress of applications and interviews, I'll finally get a job... On and on and on and on and ONNNN.  You picking up what I'm laying down?  It never ends!  And as bleak and awful as that might sound at first, we seem to keep making it to the next stage.  But if you're like me, you get to the next stage and think, Gosh why did I have to make myself so miserable?  Stress will be there.  It will look different every few years, but it will be there.  And every phase is a little more grown-up and "real" than the last.  Budgets and mortgages and audits and car problems seem a lot less laughable than GPAs and SATs and college essays, and yet we weren't laughin' when they were staring us in the face.  We gotta give ourselves a break.  And permission to feel the stress.  But don't forget to stop and smell the Pumpkin Spice Lattes.  If we rush through one phase of stressors, a new one will greet us at the finish line.  And we'll handle them as they come.  So slow it down to a walk and take in some beauty along the way.

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.  Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies.  The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned.  So given a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes."      

 - J.K. Rowling 

Today's jams:

1. "Black Out Days" by Phantogram 
(if you want to feel like a bad ass
with the windows rolled down in your car)

2. "From Eden" by Hozier
(if you want to feel the last twitterpations of summer sunshine
with the windows rolled down in your car)

3. "Break Free" by Ariana Grande (duh)
(if you're not afraid to sing like a damn fool
with the windows rolled down in your car)

And here's a little something from me to you,
just in case you were feeling jam #3 and need a laugh... 

Happy Fall!

- Andie

A very important P.S. - As I have said before, if a dark cloud overhead is raining on your parade every moment of every day (figuratively or literally, as we are heading into some dark and dreary months), and you can never seem to chase it away with one single glimmer of sunshine, and no wordy blog post about taking it one day at a time, or happy song, or funny joke, or moving quote can help you see the light at the end of the tunnel, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Please reach out.  Please talk to someone.  If you're too scared to go straight to the experts, you can start with me. AndieLovesCompany@gmail.com.  I will not pretend to have a solution, but I would be happy to help you look for one.

Get real.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  This is nothing new for me, but it's not usually quite so existential and deep and analytical and HEAVY.  I am, always have been, and always will be an analyzer.  I tend to think around and around and around a situation until there's nothing left to think about.  And then find a way to think about it some more.  

These last couple months have been hard.  I wish there were more ways I could capitalize that sentence.  And yet, I know a lot of people (a few in particular) for whom things have been much, much harder.  

This difficult season began a little over 11 weeks ago, when the world lost one of the greatest people I've ever known.  Maybe even just one of the greatest people.  Period.  Impossible to measure, I know, but anyone who knows him wouldn't argue my bold statement.

Mark Mays was exceptional.  In just about every sense of the word.  Mind and wit sharper than the sharpest tack, and a heart so big it still probably felt cramped in his distinct, 6-foot-something frame.  His kindness, care, and active listening were truly one-of-a-kind, and he has left shoes impossible to fill.  And my dearest, oldest friend Kellie got to call him dad.  As patriarch of my second family, and friend to my own wonderful parents, Mark (and the whole Mays clan) is oh so very precious to us.  And his departure has most certainly left a hole in our hearts.

The weeks following this loss have been a whirlwind.  Transitioning back to work after some time off to grieve and support my dear friend, lots of changes in my office, and moving to a new home.  None of the latter seems like a big deal.  Moving is awful and hard and stressful and physically and emotionally taxing, but surmountable.  Conquerable.  Average.  

But when you tack those things on to an awful few months, they really leave a person ragged!  Stress has given me a zitty face and sore muscles and tighter pants, and taken away motivation, energy, and my voice almost completely.  And again, compared to members of the Mays family and others undergoing intense struggle  and tragedy (of which there has been a lot in the PNW and greater world recently), these things might seem whiny and ridiculous.  But it's MY reality, and that's the essence of this blog.  Accept and nurture your reality.  Acknowledge your feelings and FEEL THEM.  So here I am.  Feeling them.  

I need a vacation.  And I can't have one.  So I am going to make one whenever, wherever I can.  I took the day off last Friday.  Spent the weekend enjoying the company of my oh-so-beloved Kellie and new roommates and other sweet friends.

But the point of my post today (7 paragraphs in, and she hasn't reached THE POINT?? Bear with me...) is that many people probably wouldn't have known how tough this last season has been, because (1) it's really not a big deal and I have never doubted my ability to make it through a tough season, (2) I don't particularly love thinking about it, let alone making it a bigger deal by sharing and dwelling, and (3) my overall demeanor and social media correspondence is sunshine and roses, rainbows and butterflies, and most certainly the "glass half full" side of my life.  Accentuate the positive, right?!  I don't think there's really anything wrong with that, and I get MEGA annoyed at how darn trendy and progressive and super coooool it has become to talk about how we're on our phones too much and need to shut off and go outside (agreed, but GEEZ you're posting that on facebook)!  But I understand the point and value behind that, and I can dig it.  And I do think it's important to GET REAL.  So here we go.

The other day I posted a photo of the gorgeous view from my kitchen window:

Beauty. Serenity. Perfection. Bliss.

What I hoped it would portray:  Things have been rough, but everything will be ok.  Perhaps encouraging?  Who knows!  But imagine seeing that on a really sh*tty day!  How great does it feel to see the light at the end of someone else's tunnel when yours is still looking dark and dreary?  

So here was the the reality of my kitchen when I took that photo:

Chaos. Stress. More work. Wanted to cry.

Now, I don't expect a messy kitchen to make a deep, profound impact or prove any sort of revolutionary point.  And a mess won't make anyone feel better about the fact that their hearts are hurting or broken.  But just know, things ain't perfect.  Nor are they expected to be.  No matter how many posts we see of fun adventures or perfect gardens or Pinterest perfection, there are just as many (or more) failures.  Losses.  Messes.  Secrets.  Skeletons.  We put our best foot forward.  We soldier on.  We post the happy things.  But don't forget it's only part of the story.  We're not as alone as it might feel.  There is death and there is pain and there is loss and there is mess and there are unanswerable questions.  And they will always be here.  So if posting a happy picture makes us feel better for a moment, so be it.  Or if admitting to our pain and sorrow and shame and mess has the same effect, let's do some of that too.  

So just to drive my point home for some comic relief, here are some ridiculous photos of more REALITY.

Decided to go to Zumba the other day...

looking like a freaking bowl of sherbert...

... and so hella mega enthused after.

And then on my way home I took some funny ironic photos of the
"Distracted Driving Patrols" warning, because you know,

I was really busy taking pictures... 

...and drinking this frappuccino.
So you know, the gym was worth it.

HOW'S THAT FOR GETTIN' REAL?!

And here's what my office looked like until two weeks ago. Yep. Just really soak that in.

And here's a couple choice outfits from the past week...

One on the left: Entirely-too-thin pajama pants and
entirely-too-large pullover sweatshirt with entirely-no-bra...
...sitting in the Domino's lobby waiting for my pizza at midnight. 


And speaking of Domino's...

... that pizza was only one of many meals I purchased lately, when I easily could have made food at home.

And these are just too darn good. And too darn real.

Red, red, red face after eyebrow wax. Every time.

Pre-sleep, wet-hair, middle-part braids and retainer.

And this is what my car trunk looks like 75% of the time.

It's mundane and day to day and nothing about it is a significant struggle, but I hope to be a reminder that even a new house and a fun activity and nice weather and happy families and cute babies and beautiful sunsets and profound quotes are all just sprinkled into a lifetime of mess and chaos and reality.  And it's alright.  And it's normal.  And it's everyone.  And it's real.

Here's to a new week.

Today's jam: "Boom Clap" by Charli XCX

(Heard this last Friday when I saw The Fault In Our Stars, which I feel I need to both recommend and warn you against... 

TEARS TEARS TEARS SOBS WEEPING TEARS)

Wellness Wednesday Walkin'

Did you know that today is National Walking Day?  Well it is!

Walking is such a healthy habit.
And one of my favorite pastimes.

Clears my mind.  Gets the blood flowin'.

Allows me to soak in some fresh air and Vitamin D.

And the best part is, I find it's just as therapeutic and cathartic all by my lonesome as it is with a companion.  There is a time and a place for both.

There's not a lot of daylight left for us Pacific Northwesterners, so lace up those sneaks tomorrow, folks!  Or grab a buddy and go for a darkish stroll now.  I for one walked to the grocery store to do my shopping this evening.  But before you do the same, heed my warning: Do not - I repeat - do NOT bring the largest tote bag you can find and fill it to the brim with things like a carton of eggs and a cantaloupe and grapes and vitamin water... I mean what?  Hello.  That was dumb.  But it's almost tank top season, so heyyohhh!  Extra arm workout for me.

Anyway, I just thought I would share that little tid-bit with you, because after all it is Wellness Wednesday!  Lucky me!  Such a wonderful opportunity for a both a blog topic and alliteration.

Happy walking, my people.

Today's jam: "Walking on Broken Glass" by Annie Lennox

(Yeah, ouch.  Don't walk on broken glass.

In fact wear shoes.  For sure shoes.

But I mean the song's really fun.)

Wellness Wednesday

HOLD  UP - I know what you're thinking.  "It's Thursday..."  Well!  Use your imagination!  It's only been one day, have you already forgotten what Wednesday was like??  HA kidding.  But not really, because I really do want you to pretend it's Wednesday.  I had big plans to unveil Wellness Wednesday yesterday, and the evening just got away from me!  So here it is.  Today.  On Thursday.  You'll get over it.

On this, the first installment of WW, I would like to reiterate the importance of avoiding the little minx I like to call HANGER.  No, not pronounced like a coat hanger or airplane hangar.  We're talking the combination between Hunger and Anger.  Hard "G" sound.  HanGer.  Folks, today I got Hangry.  Heaven help us all.  It was not a pretty picture.  I was hot mess.  It was 3pm before I ate lunch (yikes), and for about 4 hours before that I was dealing with a new phone activation disaster and a frustrating work meeting.  I mean what?  That would have raised my blood pressure by a couple notches even properly nourished, let alone ravenous.

Sooooo, long story short - why do I do this to myself?  Pack a freakin' Luna Bar!  A banana!  Anything!  Let my temper tantrum be a lesson to you.  Ok, it wasn't a temper tantrum.  But it also wasn't cute.  You get it.  Stay nourished throughout the day.  Snacking is important.  Maybe not snacking on Doritos*, but maybe some almonds?  Fruit?  Trail mix (without strategically planning your handfuls around the chocolate chips... yeah right)?  Celery sticks and/or carrots dipped in a mixture of plain 0% greek yogurt and Hidden Valley ranch seasoning (you're welcome)?  Find something that suits you and your preferences and dietary needs and make it happen!  "They" say you should eat breakfast within one hour of waking up, have a small snack a couple hours later, lunch a couple hours after that, dinner, etc. etc.  Depending on when you eat your main meals.  Trying to avoid going longer than 4 hours between meals.  It can be easier said than done, but your brain and body and metabolism will thank you.  Don't just take my word for it.  My friends over at Self (yeah I know, suuuuper scholarly) would agree. 

*If a magic fairy told me I could make one food calorie-free and healthy and eat as much of it as I wanted for the rest of my life because it's good for me, that food would be Doritos... now you know.

I'll tell you another thing that helps with just about every ailment, though.

Allen Stone.  I swear to you, his voice puts me in a trance.

I forget where I am and who I am (well ok, not that)

and end up a puddle of mushy twitterpation.

So, whether you're hungry or angry or hangry or any way a person could be, 

it would behoove you to feast your eyes and ears on this little piece of magic.

Don't see the video above?  Click here.

Today's jam:  Allen.  We've been over this. 

TTFN!

Singin' In the Rain

Hey beauts.

So if you read my last post, you saw that there's been a bit of rainy, foggy, chilly gloom around these parts lately!  Yiiiiiikes.  But today is a gorgeous day and I'm feelin GOOD and I thought I'd share a really interesting article I read recently (can you call BuzzFeed lists "interesting articles"?  Yeah, I think you can. So I stand by it).

If you know me at all, you know I do a fair amount of singing.  And humming.  And when I say a fair amount, I mean it's rare that I go more than 15 minutes without doing one or the other, unless I'm sleeping.  Or it's socially unacceptable to do so.  And sometimes that doesn't even stop me.  Oops!  We're talking grocery store aisles, libraries, gas stations, etc.  I've been given looks.  And I'm fairly certain a lot of people think I talk to myself.  Whatcha-gonna-do. Most of the time I don't notice when I'm doing it.  I would say probably three times a week my office mate will say "What are you singing this time?" or "There she goes again." Or "Hey I like that song."  To which I reply, "What song?"  And she informs me that I was singing.  Geez!  God bless my perfect roommate, who hears the singing while cooking / cleaning / showering / existing that occurs around our apartment on a daily basis.  

You know what I've realized?  Singing gets me through a lot.  Sometimes all I want is to get in my car and put on a playlist of belters and let 'er rip.  I actually have one on my phone called "Belters," containing the likes of R. Kelly, JoJo, Mandy Moore, Kelly Clarkson, Switchfoot, and many many more.  It covers all the bases and gets the job done.  

When I first started skiing, both my daredevil younger sister and I would sing our way down the whole mountain.  Singing louder as the run got steeper.  It helped us simultaneously concentrate and distract, and seemed to ease the tension of a scary moment.  Scary, snowy driving over Snoqualmie Pass?  Never without a lot of singing.  Preparing for a stressful work day or event?  Sing sing sing, hum hum hum.  

My point in telling you all of this is to say - it really works!  And I am a FIRRRMMMMM believer that singing shouldn't be reserved for people who consider themselves singers.  We all have vocal cords.  So use them for more than basic communication.  It's a God-given, built-in stress reliever, people!  Have at it!  But don't just take my word for it.  Check it out:

15 Reasons You Need To Start Singing Every Minute Of Every Day
(I mean the title alone is amazing... they had me at hello)

And just in case you prefer to take your health tips from something slightly more scholarly, here's a Time Magazine article while we're at it: 

Singing Changes Your Brain

Honestly, articles abound on this topic!  Have a little Google fest for yourself!  (That kind of sounds bad for some reason.  So, just Google it...)

And don't forget to dance.  While you sing.  Whenever possible.  I know I've made my thoughts on this perfectly clear, but I can't say it enough.  Zumba provides a great opportunity for this, seeing as the music is so loud nobody will hear you singing along to the songs you don't actually know, and they're all too preoccupied with watching their own damn selves shake their groove thangs to even notice!  For real.  It's perfect.  And, as I said to my main squeeze Russanne the other day, "Nothing makes me feel like more of a hot goddess than just the right combo of cropped, fitted yoga pants, a flowy workout top, Nikes, and Sean Paul."  Guys I love Sean Paul and I don't care who knows it.  So you just go ahead and click here and learn this dance (sorry for the terrible sound quality) and know that it's my new favorite thing.  That specific routine.  I do it at Zumba.  That very one.  Every week.  And feel like a freaking dancing queen.  Young and sweet.  Only seventeen (can't win 'em all).

So sing like no one is watching and dance like no one is listening or whatever the crap that awful quote is, and let's power through the rainy season right into the summer of our dreams!

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu.

Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you.

Just keeping with the theme here.

Today's jam: "Song for Zula" by Phosphorescent.

(I don't know about you, but this song makes me feel like I can do anything)