A couple weeks ago I was honored to attend a beautiful memorial service for Grace, a woman who used to work in the International Foster Care department of my office. She had worked for Catholic Community Services for over 30 years, dedicating her life to loving and serving children and families. Needless to say, she was an incredible woman with an incredible spirit. You can read more about her here. I can't even begin to describe the atmosphere at Grace's memorial. There are no words. The air was thick with a combination of love, joy, and deep despair all at once. It was as heartwarming as it was heartbreaking. And it was beautiful. As her loved ones spoke in turn about the incredible life she lived and mind-boggling 20 YEAR battle with cancer that eventually took her life, I can safely say there was not a dry eye in the house. Truly. I did not even know Grace that well, but she was one of those people who just had a little something extra special about her. One of those people who you didn't have to know well to know that she would probably be happy to drop just about anything she was doing in order to help just about anyone who needed it. She is special.
The moments my eyes were the least dry were while listening to her daughters speak about the life their mom lived. I was particularly touched when her youngest daughter spoke about the fact that Grace didn't have a Bucket List, and preferred to live her life without one. This surprised me at first, because I had learned that Grace was quite the adventurer. She loved to travel, try new things, drink wine and lots of it, and I just would have thought of her as the Bucket-List-writing type. And one who would accomplish every single thing on the list. But as her daughter explained it, Grace wasn't into Bucket Lists because she lived her life as though every moment was a Bucket List Moment. She treated every new experience - every new sight, smell, taste, sound, feeling, person - as though that very instance had been on her bucket list all along. Why focus all your energy on reaching some far-off goal and miss the little noteworthy moments that happen around us every day? Her daughter summarized this point by expressing to us, "My sister and I were my mom's bucket list. Our children - her grandchildren - were her bucket list. YOU were her bucket list."
WOW. This changes things, doesn't it? What if we all lived this way? Feeling that every moment is worth something. Holy smokes. Now don't get me wrong. I see nothing wrong with Bucket Lists. And while I don't have a formal, written-out list myself, there are certainly times when I take a mental note and think, "Ooooo I want to do that. I'm adding that to the list." I'm just saying our lists don't have to consist only of sipping espresso in Italy, road tripping across the country, and sunset wine tasting on a vineyard in Napa Valley (all of which are on mine, in case you were wondering). They can also include, "Make someone laugh," "compliment a stranger ," and "sing Whitney Houston karaoke solos." I tend to get really caught up in reaching a goal FAST. Everything helping me along the path is just a means to an end and makes me anxious and I want to breeze through it fast. I used to do it all the time in high school choir. We'd get a new song and while I really enjoyed practices with the rest of the ladies in our small choir, I LOOAATHED the first couple rehearsals when we got the music. I was way behind many of the girls when it came to reading music so I had to learn most of the pieces by ear, and I was anxious, anxious, ANXIOUS until I knew them all by heart. For me, the fun part was only after I felt completely comfortable and could start pouring my heart into perfecting each note, beat, and crescendo until it was a beautiful work of art. This ridiculousness made me learn the music really fast, which was cool or whatever, but I completely missed out on the fact that learning is fun too! And it was hard to learn sometimes, and I didn't want it to be hard for me. Because I compared myself to everyone else and felt self-conscious about the fact that I thought I was fooling everyone into thinking I knew enough music theory to be accepted into the group. Well let me tell you folks, that was DUMB. Why? There are many reasons. A) I was soooo not the only one who didn't know how to read music. WE WERE SEVENTEEN. Yikes. We were pretty good, yes, but not a bunch of freakin prodigies. B) Nobody cared that I couldn't read the music. Not a bit. C) If I would have just stopped to smell the sheet music every once in a while, maybe I would have realized that messing up on notes is kinda funny and working really hard with the group to get it right feels SO GOOD.
Anyway, that was too long of a story. I just wanted to offer a small example of what I'm trying to say. If we get too caught up in a far-off goal or outcome, we miss out on a lot of fun and learning and growth in the process. We live each day with an illogical and unnecessary sense of urgency which blinds us to everything in the periphery of the task at hand. And at the same time, there does not always have to be a task at hand! Last week I was starting to get a little worried about myself and the fact that all I wanted to do was catch up on Grey's Anatomy. Ok it wasn't ALL I wanted to do, but it was most. "Shouldn't I be doing laundry or going grocery shopping or catching up with a friend or going to a baseball game or reading or blogging or SOMETHING??" "All I want to do right now is sit on the couch and watch Grey's Anatomy... am I depressed?!" Ummm HELLO, no I wasn't depressed. I was still going to work. I was still seeing friends. I was still going to the gym and making meals and being myself. I think what made me anxious is I wasn't used to the feeling that doing nothing was OK. That I don't always have to be working on some project or accomplishing a goal, every second of every day.
You can only cross so many trips to Italy off your bucket list in one day, so why try? Simmer down now. Not every moment should be a means to an end. Life is short. Money is limited. Take the night off and watch Grey's Anatomy.
There are bucket list moments to be found everywhere.
So to my dear friends, loved ones, and the many places I call home - please know:
YOU ARE MY BUCKET LIST.
Today's jam: "Summertime Sadness" by Lana Del Rey
(or anything by Lana Del Rey, because I'm obsessed as of late)
Byyyeeeeee! :)
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