Get real.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  This is nothing new for me, but it's not usually quite so existential and deep and analytical and HEAVY.  I am, always have been, and always will be an analyzer.  I tend to think around and around and around a situation until there's nothing left to think about.  And then find a way to think about it some more.  

These last couple months have been hard.  I wish there were more ways I could capitalize that sentence.  And yet, I know a lot of people (a few in particular) for whom things have been much, much harder.  

This difficult season began a little over 11 weeks ago, when the world lost one of the greatest people I've ever known.  Maybe even just one of the greatest people.  Period.  Impossible to measure, I know, but anyone who knows him wouldn't argue my bold statement.

Mark Mays was exceptional.  In just about every sense of the word.  Mind and wit sharper than the sharpest tack, and a heart so big it still probably felt cramped in his distinct, 6-foot-something frame.  His kindness, care, and active listening were truly one-of-a-kind, and he has left shoes impossible to fill.  And my dearest, oldest friend Kellie got to call him dad.  As patriarch of my second family, and friend to my own wonderful parents, Mark (and the whole Mays clan) is oh so very precious to us.  And his departure has most certainly left a hole in our hearts.

The weeks following this loss have been a whirlwind.  Transitioning back to work after some time off to grieve and support my dear friend, lots of changes in my office, and moving to a new home.  None of the latter seems like a big deal.  Moving is awful and hard and stressful and physically and emotionally taxing, but surmountable.  Conquerable.  Average.  

But when you tack those things on to an awful few months, they really leave a person ragged!  Stress has given me a zitty face and sore muscles and tighter pants, and taken away motivation, energy, and my voice almost completely.  And again, compared to members of the Mays family and others undergoing intense struggle  and tragedy (of which there has been a lot in the PNW and greater world recently), these things might seem whiny and ridiculous.  But it's MY reality, and that's the essence of this blog.  Accept and nurture your reality.  Acknowledge your feelings and FEEL THEM.  So here I am.  Feeling them.  

I need a vacation.  And I can't have one.  So I am going to make one whenever, wherever I can.  I took the day off last Friday.  Spent the weekend enjoying the company of my oh-so-beloved Kellie and new roommates and other sweet friends.

But the point of my post today (7 paragraphs in, and she hasn't reached THE POINT?? Bear with me...) is that many people probably wouldn't have known how tough this last season has been, because (1) it's really not a big deal and I have never doubted my ability to make it through a tough season, (2) I don't particularly love thinking about it, let alone making it a bigger deal by sharing and dwelling, and (3) my overall demeanor and social media correspondence is sunshine and roses, rainbows and butterflies, and most certainly the "glass half full" side of my life.  Accentuate the positive, right?!  I don't think there's really anything wrong with that, and I get MEGA annoyed at how darn trendy and progressive and super coooool it has become to talk about how we're on our phones too much and need to shut off and go outside (agreed, but GEEZ you're posting that on facebook)!  But I understand the point and value behind that, and I can dig it.  And I do think it's important to GET REAL.  So here we go.

The other day I posted a photo of the gorgeous view from my kitchen window:

Beauty. Serenity. Perfection. Bliss.

What I hoped it would portray:  Things have been rough, but everything will be ok.  Perhaps encouraging?  Who knows!  But imagine seeing that on a really sh*tty day!  How great does it feel to see the light at the end of someone else's tunnel when yours is still looking dark and dreary?  

So here was the the reality of my kitchen when I took that photo:

Chaos. Stress. More work. Wanted to cry.

Now, I don't expect a messy kitchen to make a deep, profound impact or prove any sort of revolutionary point.  And a mess won't make anyone feel better about the fact that their hearts are hurting or broken.  But just know, things ain't perfect.  Nor are they expected to be.  No matter how many posts we see of fun adventures or perfect gardens or Pinterest perfection, there are just as many (or more) failures.  Losses.  Messes.  Secrets.  Skeletons.  We put our best foot forward.  We soldier on.  We post the happy things.  But don't forget it's only part of the story.  We're not as alone as it might feel.  There is death and there is pain and there is loss and there is mess and there are unanswerable questions.  And they will always be here.  So if posting a happy picture makes us feel better for a moment, so be it.  Or if admitting to our pain and sorrow and shame and mess has the same effect, let's do some of that too.  

So just to drive my point home for some comic relief, here are some ridiculous photos of more REALITY.

Decided to go to Zumba the other day...

looking like a freaking bowl of sherbert...

... and so hella mega enthused after.

And then on my way home I took some funny ironic photos of the
"Distracted Driving Patrols" warning, because you know,

I was really busy taking pictures... 

...and drinking this frappuccino.
So you know, the gym was worth it.

HOW'S THAT FOR GETTIN' REAL?!

And here's what my office looked like until two weeks ago. Yep. Just really soak that in.

And here's a couple choice outfits from the past week...

One on the left: Entirely-too-thin pajama pants and
entirely-too-large pullover sweatshirt with entirely-no-bra...
...sitting in the Domino's lobby waiting for my pizza at midnight. 


And speaking of Domino's...

... that pizza was only one of many meals I purchased lately, when I easily could have made food at home.

And these are just too darn good. And too darn real.

Red, red, red face after eyebrow wax. Every time.

Pre-sleep, wet-hair, middle-part braids and retainer.

And this is what my car trunk looks like 75% of the time.

It's mundane and day to day and nothing about it is a significant struggle, but I hope to be a reminder that even a new house and a fun activity and nice weather and happy families and cute babies and beautiful sunsets and profound quotes are all just sprinkled into a lifetime of mess and chaos and reality.  And it's alright.  And it's normal.  And it's everyone.  And it's real.

Here's to a new week.

Today's jam: "Boom Clap" by Charli XCX

(Heard this last Friday when I saw The Fault In Our Stars, which I feel I need to both recommend and warn you against... 

TEARS TEARS TEARS SOBS WEEPING TEARS)