Same Love.

All day today I have seen this symbol.

You probably have too.  And every time I saw it, I sighed a little happy, hopeful sigh.  Thinking, "There's another person who believes in love and equality."  It was so lovely and refreshing.  If you're confused and didn't see this everywhere today, then head on over to the Human Rights Campaign website to find out more.   

And then I got in my car after work just in time to hear the top three most-requested songs of the day on one of my favorite Seattle radio stations, 107.7 The End.  #3 was fun and catchy.  Even catchy enough for me to Shazam it!  "If So," by Atlas Genius.  I like.  #2 was Imagine Dragons.  Also a fan of them.  So I was feeling good about the people of Seattle.  Then the DJ cut to a commercial after an oh-so-clever cliffhanger: "Breezeblocks by Alt-J was our #1 most requested song of the day yesterday... can they do it again?"  Being that I have been DIGGIN' Alt-J lately, the DJ had me right where he wanted me.  I'm going to listen to those commercials to see if they in fact CAN do it again.  So I waited.  But Alt-J didn't do it again.  And I wanted to cry.  

HOLD IT, you weirdos.  It wasn't that I was sad about the Alt-J song.  Who do you think I am?  Those crying-for-no-reason days are over for me (HAHAHAHAHA not true.  But today wasn't one of them).

The reason I wanted to cry (and did a little - so sue me!) is because the #1 most requested song of the day was this.  "Same Love" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis.  A song about love.  And freedom.  And equal rights.  And on this love-filled Spring day, that was perfect.  And I felt GREAT about the people of Seattle.

Because I want people to be dancing their BUMS off to Alt-J and Imagine Dragons and Macklemore and Ryan Lewis at the weddings of my friends, my cousin, my dear friend's uncles, and YOUR friends, and YOUR cousins, and YOUR uncles.  

"No freedom 'til we're equal.  Damn right I support it."

Today's jam: DUH.

Love, love, love, my friends.

Finding a cure for the bum-diggities.

You know those moments when you feel like, "Mmmmmm yeah.  This is good.  Life is good.  This is perfect and I wouldn't rather be anywhere else"...?  I hope you do.  I hope you know what I'm talking about.  It's ok if you can't really relate though.  When I was at my most anxious, one of the ways I could tell things were getting out of control was realizing those moments had been occurring very infrequently for a while.  As I've mentioned, I have been a worrier for pretty much ever.  But I'm a very happy and optimistic and positive person by nature.  So I would still have semi-regular moments when all seemed right and well and I thought, "Life is so, so good right now."  And about nine or so months ago I realized I hadn't had many (any?  I can't really remember... I hope there were still some) of those stop-and-reflect-and-get-all-mushy-gushy moments in a long while.  That's not to say I was never happy.  Because that's far from true.  And I still had GREAT times with family and friends when I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.  But I'm just sayin, that was one of my indicators that it was time to think about seeking some help for my perma-bummin'.  Anyway.  I hope you have moments like that sometimes.  And if you don't, maybe that's worth a thought or two.  

This past weekend for me was an interesting one.  There were just so many great little things that happened!  And yet between the great little things I was kinda sad.  Just really nostalgic thinking about my Bellingham-ily (Get it?!  Bellingham + Family = Bellinghamily.  YOU LIKE THAT??  Yeah thanks, me too) and how easy it was to see everyone when we all lived within 3 blocks of each other.  And at the same time I am kind of itching for new things and feeling a little stir-crazy and thinking about my growing list of friends who are settled/married/parents/other Big Kid Stuff.  I know I don't have to tell most of you this, but I know a LOT of people who are big kids for REAL.  Like, married with families and careers and houses and stuff.  And that's big fat not where I am at this point.  I'm really fine with that most of the time, and I'm really aware of that ALL of the time.  Let's just say one of my coworkers thinks is SUUUUPER fun to make references to the phrase "Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride" and the movie "27 Dresses" and it ain't because she's a Katherine Heigl fan.  And sometimes I'm like, "What gives???"  Because those marriage/family/career/house things sound pretty nice.  But other times I hear Beyonce singing "All you women, who independent, THROW YO HANDS UP AT ME" in my head and I'm like - "GET IT GIRL" (to myself) and I throw my hands up at her!  But really though, I was a little bummed at a few moments this weekend.  Missing my parents, missing my sister, missing my whole extended family, missing Russanne (BECAUSE IT'S BEEN 13 MONTHS SINCE I HAVE SEEN THE WHITES OF HER EYES AND THAT'S CRAP), missing my Bellinghamily, missing Manito Park, missing Boulevard Park, missing missing missing.  But you know what I've learned to do?  I've learned to say, "AW HELL NAW" in moments like that and to take myself out of them in any way possible.  So this weekend it looked a little something like this...

Friday:  An opportunity to leave my anxiety-producing office and desk for a training in our Seattle office about... wait for it... ANXIETY DISORDERS.  Um hey, thanks God - yes please!  Couldn't pass that one up.  And you know what that gave me?  The chance to hear our instructor recite this:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, famous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-- A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

And you know what THAT gave me?  The desire to reflect while participating in one of my favorite Seattle pastimes - grabbing some lunch at Whole Foods and taking it to Kerry Park.  And you know what THAT gave me?  This:

While listening to this:

"Coming My Way" - The City Harmonic

The moment was just so good that at first I thought I wished I was sharing it with someone else and then I realized it was perfect as it was.  With my own company.  And eyes clouded with tears (and covered by sunglasses, WHEW).  Nobody but me would have understood its goodness at that particular moment anyway.

Saturday:  Woke up to Justin Timberlake BLARING from our iHome speakers in the kitchen because I accidentally set the radio alarm the night before during one of my cooking jam sessions.  And THAT my friends, was the funniest way to wake up I've experienced yet.  Startling, but funny.  Then a delightful lunch with two delightful ladies and an afternoon of reading.  But before long I started down that yucky nostalgia/Big Kid Stuff mental pathway I described earlier and right about that time received a text from two great friends: "Want to meet us in Seattle?"  My first inclination was to stay here, be by myself, maybe go shopping, but probably do a whole lot of nothing.  But that didn't sound like the best idea.  So I says to myself, I says, "Self, we're gettin out of here."  And I went.  And you know what THAT gave me?  Well, first and foremost it gave me quality time with great friends at a pub crawl we accidentally joined.  Fo FREE.  But also... 

My first trip to the gum wall!  Yes, my FIRST ONE!

And you know what that gave me?  An itch for more exploration and adventures to places I've been meaning to check off my must-see list and haven't yet!  And you know what THAT gave me?  The perfect idea.  We'll go to the Browns Point lighthouse.

Sunday:    To the lighthouse we went!  Thank God for fun friends!

If I'm honest, that had to be the ugliest lighthouse I've ever seen.  But it's situated on a gorgeous beach so how bad can it be?  Toward the end of that day's adventures, I accepted an invitation to see a movie with another dear friend in a theater made up entirely of reclining leather chairs.  I could kiss whoever invented that!  Brilliant.

So all in all, even amidst a little nostalgia, anxiety, and some bum-diggities, this weekend was aces in my book.  Because you know what ALL those fun activities and friends gave me?  Joy, laughter, companionship, exercise, and so much fun.  And you wanna know how many of those activities I had planned on for more than a few hours before they happened?  None of them.  None!  The whole weekend was full of spontaneous adventures (another one of my favorite pastimes).  So what's the moral of this story?  It's easy to let that down-in-the-dumps feeling keep us from spontaneous adventuring.  But it's a cryin' shame when that happens.  So don't let it!  Because you never know when just the right opportunity might lead you to just the right sandwich/song combo which might spark an entire weekend of perfection and happiness.

Today's Jam:  "Noche Nada" by Givers.

That's all, folks.

You really are great company.

First of all, WOW.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for all the overwhelming support and well-wishes I have received over the past week.  Holy smokes guys.  You sure know how to treat a girl right.  I should have opened up about this a lot sooner!  Not really though.  Because that's how these things work.  I wasn't ready until now, so now is perfect.  But your response could not have been sweeter, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.  And an extra special thank you to the people who have already taken the time to share stories and experiences with me after the first post!  The first one!  Too cool.  There are some serious good vibes floating around and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

At the recommendation of my near and dear Russanne, I thought I would take some time to explain the things displayed in the side bar of this here blog.  The things that make me me, and why I felt them important enough to display.  But before I do that, I want to clear a few things up... 
  
I am well.  I am very well.  And very happy.  And feeling pretty content and at peace with relinquishing some control of my life and future.  I have gone through a LOT in the last couple years, and it has been a really really tough journey, but I am so glad!  Wouldn't change a thing.  Me from 6 months ago would be shocked to hear the current Me say that, but it's true.  But because I have been in the throes of anxiety before, I know some people will read about how well I am doing now and feel discouraged in comparison and get some serious stomach pits and think, "Well great.  How cool.  Somebody else who's happy and content.  I always love to hear that... NOT."  Because another thing those damn Mood Monsters do is make it seem like they'll have power over us forever.  But they're WRONG.  Don't buy it.  It's a load of you-know-what.  I promise you that.  PROMISE.  YOU.  THAT.  And all I can say (which you probably won't believe right now, but that's understandable and ok) is that it will get better.  IT WILL.  You are not alone and your life is worth living.  And by the way: My anxiety is NOT gone.  Ohhhhhh heck no.  I sure wish it was, but it's big fat NOT.  In fact the anxious part of me was a little nervous typing "I am very well and very happy" a few lines ago because it just felt like I might jinx something or I shouldn't feel that way or there are still reasons to be unhappy or ANXIETY, ANXIETY, ANXIETY.  It rears its ugly head from time to time, depending on what I eat and drink, how often I exercise, the time of the month (if you know what I mean... JUST BEIN HONEST!  Get used to that).  And sometimes it appears for no apparent reason at all.  I get keyed-up and antsy and feel like I might cry or that there are a million reasons why I should feel completely overwhelmed.  But the difference now is that I have gained some really great coping skills, a new perspective, and have learned to accept myself as an anxious person.  Perhaps the most profound lesson I've learned in all of this is to allow myself to feel whatever emotion comes over me.  No need to fight it, that just makes it worse!  When I just say, "I'm feeling sad/heartbroken/anxious/stressed/overwhelmed, and allow those feelings to temporarily wash over me, I realize that they are JUST FEELINGS.  My heart still beats, my lungs still breathe, and I still exist here in the same physical state as I was when I felt no stress at all!  Nothing has brought me more comfort than that reality.  But I also don't watch scary movies.  And I don't watch the news.  And I wear a helmet when I ride my bike (but that's just good sense, come on people).  I avoid situations that I have learned will make me anxious because ain't nobody got time for that.  And I find that to be just fine. 

NEXT:  Just because I am a single woman in my mid-20s does NOT mean that is the only demographic for whom this blog was intended.  Not even close!  That would be BORESVILLE, USA (OK that might be a stretch... I AM pretty interesting...)  I fully understand the concept of, "Well, I am so fortunate to have ____, ____, and ____, so I'd better not complain."  Well that's bull.  Is what that is.  Because if you are upset about something, or you are hurting about something, or you could use a friend to talk or vent to, then you deserve that just as much as the people whose stories you're comparing to your own.  If Justin Timberlake was having a bad day, would it be unfair for him to tell someone about it?  Heck no!  Even hottie millionaires with hottie millionaire wives have bad days!  And I bet sometimes their bad days are BECAUSE they're hottie millionaires with hottie millionaire wives!  Because that would be hard a lot of the time.  No such thing as a casual Saturday afternoon coffee date for them!  No sirree.  Ok, that's a bit of a weird and silly example but are you pickin up what I'm layin down?  It might seem like, "Oh pooooooor you.  I feel so sad that you're so rich and famous and beautiful that you can't leave your house without hoards of adoring fans.  That must be really hard... Bite me."  But the thing is, that's not fair.  It's not fair because it is actually impossible to know exactly what someone else is experiencing in any given situation.  Now don't get me wrong, you can have a pretty darn good idea.  For sure!  My sweet baby sister and I grew up in the exact same home with the exact same parents and went to all the same schools and were pretty much involved in all the same activities, etc. etc.  And we are very VERY similar in many ways (take for instance the fact that we both used the term "cotton-headed-ninny-muggins" in our last blog posts without knowing it... yeah she has a blog too, did ya catch the link above???).  And sometimes I can guess how she's feeling and how she will react to things.  But there are parts of us that are so different and unique to us as individuals.  Things that make Ali happy don't always do it for me, and vice versa!  Things that upset me don't always impact her (except that she's compassionate and empathetic and THE BEST, so she'd be upset on my behalf) and vice versa!  What I'm getting at is that every single person has his or her own experience and set of feelings and emotions and reactions.  To judge yourself based on a comparison to someone else is just silly, because there are so many factors below the surface.  Remember that day I told you about, when I cried about the bank being closed?  Well that's pretty embarrassing and had I shared my emotions and the reason behind them with someone else in that moment, they might have had a hard time stifling a laugh.  But it's what I felt.  I couldn't help it.  No matter how badly I wanted not to be crying and SO upset about something so silly, I WAS UPSET.  Very.  The feeling was mine and mine alone.  And that's how these things work.   

Anxiety and depression and fear and doubt and uncertainty and the whole laundry list of yucky where-am-I-going-and-what-am-I-doing emotions can weasel their way into ANYONE'S life.  Because we don't ask for those things.  We don't do anything to deserve those things.  We sometimes can't control those things.  Remember folks, it's not yourself you should be angry with in those moments, it's the pesky serotonin-eating Mood Monsters.  We all have serotonin and we all have experiences that shift our brain chemistry into the wonky side of things, so therefore we are ALL susceptible to the monsters and their wily ways!  Those rat finks.

WHEW!  Enough about that (Ha!  Not even close - but enough for now at least).

Now for the happy fun things!  As I mentioned before, my forever friend and soulmate Russ (you'll be hearing a lot about her, so we might as well jump right in on a nickname basis) suggested that I explain a little bit about the things I chose to include in the sidebar of this page.  And I think that's a great idea.

Some of them require little explanation.  The photo at the top is me.  Hi!  (Photo cred:  One of my favorite humans, Alyssa K. Brud, AKA Lysserz)  

"My Home" is Washington state.  I have highlighted a few special places that have all been home for me, but I pretty much love every inch of this state so the whole thing is my home.  Have I visited every inch of this state?  No way.  Get real.  But Washington is so cool that I don't even have to go everywhere to know I love it all.  I have major feelings for this place.

The photo labeled "My Heart" is my family.  Mom, Dad, Sister.  Or Mama Doo, Dooda, and Goober, as I call them.  You can't call them that though.  Just kidding.  You could, but why would you want to?  Those names are weird.  But so am I.  And I really like to call people by nicknames.  As soon as I get my little mitts on a new name or word, I'm mentally searching for a way to shorten it, abbreviate it, or combine it with other words to make new, cooler ones.  It's what I do.  Annnnnnyway (I'm going to be a big side-tracked, tangent-following blogger.  Sorry about that... but not that sorry).  My family is my heart.  My heart comes from and belongs to them.  I'm not going to elaborate too much right now on all the reasons why they're my favorite people on this planet earth because I'm already choked up thinking about it and I'm at Starbucks and don't want to become an emotional hot mess, but these people are tops.  Aces.  The bee's knees.  The cat's meow.  If you don't know my family I feel bad for you, son! (Sounds harsh but it's just a song guys, chill).  There's a whole lot of love in our family and I am one lucky girl to have been placed with them! 

The photos under "My Health" represent the things I like to do to stay physically and mentally healthy.  And maintain my sanity.  Also pretty self explanatory and will probably be referenced off and on, but in short, they are - in no particular order - as follows:  Listening to music and singing a LOT (My favorite song is "Return to Innocence" by Enigma.  I'm not kidding...), cooking (While listening to music and singing loudly, usually using whatever utensil I'm holding as a microphone and dancing around my kitchen until I look out the living room window and see the stylists at the salon across the street laughing at me.  Out of jealousy, I imagine), going to coffee shops (I would be embarrassed to know how much of my paycheck ends up on my Starbucks gold card), reading Harry Potter (I am a Gryffindor), Zumba (or any way of dancing my buns off... literally... heyohhhh!), and riding my bike (that's really what my bike looks like!  Isn't she a DIME??)

Speaking of that (of being a dime... HA kidding), I was going to go to Zumba as usual last Thursday night, but then it was so darn beautiful outside that the thought of being in a hot, sweaty room with no windows alongside 50 hot, sweaty people just wasn't cuttin it for me.  So I decided my exercise for that day would be to complete all my errands for the evening - and there were many! - on my bicycle.  You GUYYYYS, it was the best!  A real happy-maker that I can't recommend enough.  Library - CHECK.  Post office - CHECK.  Bank - CHECK.  Grocery store - DOUBLE CHECK.  That one gets two checks because I fit all of this into my backpack and rode all the way home... 

The cashier was really impressed, sooo.......

The lists I have at the bottom of my side bar are recommendations of various sites I find worth visiting.  Things that are funny, things that are poignant, and things that could be great resources for individuals struggling with anxiety or depression and may be looking for more information.  It's really important stuff.  All of it.  Not just the resources.  It's just as important to laugh and cry and laugh til you cry.

Some of the stuff I talked about in the last few paragraphs might seem like meaningless silliness, but do you want to know why it's NOT??  Because it makes me feel better.  Pedaling my bicycle home from the grocery store to make a delicious meal while blasting Lady Antebellum, singing my heart out, and practicing my zumba moves for all the world to see made me feel like a million bucks.  And I know some days only feel like a buck or two, so I'm just tryin to spread the wealth!

Anyway, that's all I have this time arond.  It was a lot more than I thought I had when I started.  Sorry!  I know I'm all over the place, but in order to be relatable you gotta be real!  So that's my goal.  These are the random thoughts I have and the random things I do. 

Today's jam:  "Fresh Feeling" by The Eels.

See you next time!